I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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