im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
