We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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