i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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