How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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