I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
