Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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