Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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