in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
