I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
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