the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This is the high leading the old right now
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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