chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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