my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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