if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
