I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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