You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
