You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
