I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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