No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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