my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
