guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
