sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
