I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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