the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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