so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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