You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
