I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
i out mim tonsoeep
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
