i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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