Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
