you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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