I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
im having a threesome with these popsicles
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize