My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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