At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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