dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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