Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
