he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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