It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
