If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
