if only i could text you this smell
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
