omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I didn't shave. On purpose
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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