I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
God, I missed his penis.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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