I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
