I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
