talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
