Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
