I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
