fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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