I could make wine with my vomit
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
