i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
