Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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