Michael Bay diarrhea
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
