my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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