i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize