nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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