And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
