I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
